On Feeling Naked…

Nakedness. There is a part of me that always feared any type of nakedness. But recently I experienced one form of it I did not expect, and my reaction surprised even me.

I always saw many flaws in my physical self so did not have much confidence in showing or seeing myself naked. With a new relationship I gained a lot of weight and was even less happy with myself. Having lost all or most of it (along with the boyfriend), I have now recovered my old self and gained a new attitude towards my body. Perhaps age has finally provided me with a less self-conscious and more accepting me.

I have always worn my heart and my emotions on my sleeve. However, that emotional nakedness has not always served me that well, sometimes leaving me wide open to not always constructive criticism and judgments. I justified it by saying that those who were with me knew exactly where they stood at all times. But if people used it against me or were mean-spirited I was invariably terribly hurt. So through the years I have learned to be a bit more reserved. Or maybe not, since this blog may be proof that I have not progressed much in that sense. Ay!

I am an orphan. Bear with me, the connection with nakedness will soon become apparent. Yes, pun is intended. As I said, I am an orphan –perhaps not too surprising considering chronology. But my mom passed on January 5, 2010 and one month and a day later on February 6, 2010 my father followed her. I am an only child. It was hard to assimilate that I was now truly alone. I was left with a need to still feel connected to them, primarily with my mom whom throughout my life and hers I have had a very strong bond with. I did not want to make a spectacle of my grieving and wear black for a year as traditionally, women did in my country. And as I pondered I twirled my mom’s wedding band in my hand and slipped it on my left hand on the wedding finger. It fit me perfectly and I suddenly knew how to keep them with me. I would wear it for a year in their honor.

A year passed. Then, a year and half, and I told my friend that maybe it was time to let them go and take it off. He said he liked the idea that I was, by wearing it, proclaiming I was off-limits. So I left it on. Two years and a day later, on the anniversary of my mom’s passing, I reached for the ring and took it off. It was time. I thought I had experienced nakedness but until now, I had never felt this naked. I would constantly rub my fingers together trying to find the missing band. Maybe it was not time. After four days I gave up and put it back on. I welcomed it – and them – back. A kind, understanding and wise woman suggested I wear it in another manner. I may try that next…

This blog was started by the desire to take you with me on my exploratory trip to Southeast Asia (BLT+) and it turns out that I am taking you on more than one journey. You are now part of my exploration of self as well as that of the world. Hope you don’t mind.

We are only 16 days to departure on a Cathay Pacific flight. That, at least, I hope you are ready for!

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Categories: BLT+ (Burma) Myanmar, Ramblings | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

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12 thoughts on “On Feeling Naked…

  1. Character gives us qualities, but it is in actions – what we do – that we are happy or the reverse….All human happiness and misery take the form of action.
    – Aristotle

    I am packing my emotional bags for your trip.

    Tu homie

  2. My dear Homie (sorry, DR. Homie),

    Looking forward to taking you with me! I will truly enjoy your company.

    Your “homiette”

  3. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. I think symbols and gestures – like wearing the ring – are simple things but we can give them power and magic and let them hold our emotions and through that sacred process we can heal and be healed. Trust your instincts and honor your inner voice and your parents’ beautiful memory!

  4. So true Jenny. I appreciate and am touched by your words.
    Following your blog has been a pleasure, by the way.

  5. Mirta Sansone

    You are certainly showing that you are letting go of emotional barriers by being so open about it. It takes courage and self confidence to bear it all for your friends to witness. Emotional maturity comes in all shapes and forms. This trip will do wonders for you, my dear Lidia.
    And be asured that we will be with you along the way.

  6. Mirtita! I feel honored that you will be coming with me. What a great traveling companion you will be. 🙂

  7. Richard Yniguez

    Hello, Piri!

    I was touched by your story and nakedness and understand your journey regarding your parents and your feeling of loss. The wedding ring is certainly a powerful symbol and we should all be lucky enough to have such a strong tie to our loved ones as you do today. Saying their names every now and then keeps them with us as well. I must say your sense of telling it like it is, is very refreshing…thank you for keeping us in your life!

    Big hug,

    Anag

  8. Añag,
    It brings me joy to still have you in mine. 🙂
    14 days to departure!
    Piri

  9. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    This was a great, open – or should I say naked – post. I really enjoyed reading it – and liked it when you said “I am an orphan. Bear with me, the connection will come”. It was funny.

    I have been emotionally open too, very. My blog is one big open emotion about a certain period in my life – it’s the first draft of my book, POST-NATAL, SUICIDAL, DROP-KICKED MOTHERS. But man, it’s great to get it out of me.

    Interesting how you started the blog to tell us about your travels, & came to this. That’s what writing does – it takes you somewhere you need to go.

  10. 🙂 Thank you.
    Read your blog. Truly raw.
    You are so right, writing does take you somewhere you need to go!
    Didn’t mean to have it branch out into my emotional journey as well as my travel journal. I hesitated, filled with self-doubt. Would anybody care, be put off, be judgmental? Then I found that it wasn’t that important. This blog still gave me the opportunity to take all that care to with me and not feel alone in the journey. Selfish motive, no doubt, but so gratifying.

  11. Hi Lidia,
    As I read this I literally felt the warmth of your hand upon which you have chosen to wear your mother’s ring. When you took it off and found your fingers searching, rooting about it alarmed me. I wanted to fly through the computer and place the worn band back where it belonged.
    Thank you for your nakedness. I honor it. I was just telling my husband that it’s so much easier to be this open when others are doing it to. This is the point of civilization, I suppose. Though it we provide ourselves the luxury of vulnerability.
    Peace to you,
    patrice

  12. Partrice,
    What a beautiful, touching comment. Your patients and readers (I am part of your readership) are one fortunate bunch! It made my eyes water.
    I specially thank you for it and even much more so on a day like today -the anniversary of my father’s death.
    You write beautifully and honestly, a combination that is quite irresistible.
    Much goodness to you,
    Lidia

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